I've been bad

I haven't been very good about updating this blog as of late. My apologies!

Anyway, tomorrow will be 11DPO. Last cycle, that was the day that I broke down and tested, only to get my period a few hours later. So this time around I think I'm going to try to hold out for AF a little bit longer (or hopefully not at all!), so we'll see how that goes. I felt some cramping around 7-8DPO, but since then, nada. The suspense is tough for me, I am so impatient by nature!

On other fronts, I am THRILLED to be back in my own apartment. Since Saturday, I have been traveling for various reasons and it just feels amazing to be in my own home, with my own shower and my own bed and eating out of my own refrigerator. DH is of course, working. I think I have had about 3 hours of face time with him in the past week! Such is life. Or maybe, such is Wall Street.

The past 2 days were spent in Kansas City, MO. I have never spent any real time in the Midwest. It was.... nice. The people are nice. The city is nice. Theres no traffic, everyone says please and thank you and shows up places on time, you can get more than a box of a studio for an apartment... But when I flew into LaGuardia, I remembered-- Wait, I like things fast and hard and dirty. I don't want to wait 10 minutes for my coffee, I want the cashier yelling "next" before I can even get my wallet out to pay. I don't want to ever have to use a tornado shelter. I don't want my city so clean that the street sweepers are sweeping up pebbles with their little brush and box. I like that I get anywhere underground inside of 20 minutes.

New York is home, and everywhere else is for visiting.

Baby!

T had her baby, a gorgeous little boy! He has a head full of blond hair. I went to the hospital last night to visit them. He was just so little and precious. What a miracle. As I held him in my arms, I wondered to myself if (or hopefully, when) I would be able to do this with my own baby. Even his little farts were so cute!

I feel as though TTC consumes my life, to the point that I wonder how I never cared very much before. The past two years were tough. DH and I were living in Philadelphia. He was in business school, and I was commuting every day to NYC for work. Yup, thats a 2 hr 10 min commute each way (on a good day). It was all I could do to keep my head above water. My life was nothing more than train, work, train, sleep, repeat. Weekends were a welcome refuge but I didn't think of much else besides getting through the business school experience in one piece. Don't get me wrong, it was totally worth it. DH got an MBA from a top school, we made some great friends, and I got the break from NYC that I needed (I am in love with Philly). But all of a sudden, a switch flipped. Im ready for a little munchkin. NOW.

Today is 5DPO. FML.

OMG

OMG. This 2ww is torture. All I can think about, every minute of every day, is whether I am pregnant. In fact, when I get distracted and don't think about it for a little while, I'm always shocked at myself, and it soon pops back into my head.

The next week and a half will be busy, but full of slightly annoying activities. My twin nephews 11th birthday party (they're adorable, but come on, I've been to the first 10), Yom Kippur, and then I am traveling for work next week.

I feel absolutely nada (and shouldnt feel anything, Im only 4DPO). I can start to test around 10/3, my birthday weekend. If Im not pregnant and Im turning another year older? Well, poor DH will be picking up the pieces...

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

This weekend was spent at my parents house in suburbia, celebrating Rosh Hashanah with the entire family, including all 6 nephews. It was a great weekend-- the weather was beautiful, the food was great, and DH finagled Friday night and Saturday off from work.

My sister gave me the Ovidrel trigger shot on Saturday night. I know its very likely that I will have to give myself shots at some point down the line, but I couldn't help but put off reality since I had her mad doctor skills at my disposal. We BMS'ed Friday and Saturday night, and we have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will additional BMSing Monday night if DH isnt too exhausted.

Tomorrow is my mother's surgery (in the end I didn't tell her any of the IF saga). She is incredibly worried, nervous, and scared. Cancer is terrifying enough, but she has somehow managed to go 60-odd years without requiring surgery. If you've never had it, its a daunting prospect.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

The Day of Reckoning

Well, the day has come. It is time to tell my mom (and dad) that DH and I are TTC. I’ve been putting this off for several reasons:

1) Despite her best intentions, my mom would tell everyone.

2) She would be constantly checking in to see what was going on.

3) Now that I am this far in, she will be upset I didn’t tell her sooner.

But, timing is a funny thing. This morning I had u/s #5 for this cycle. I was expecting to come away from it disappointed. Just as I was about to give up on my body, turns out I have three 16-17mm follies. I was ready to start injectables, so it’s a welcome relief that 150mg of Clomid did the trick. Pills are easier than needles. I like to think its all the eating I’ve been doing, I’m almost 15 lbs up from my bottom weight!

Now, I trigger Saturday night (I am supposed to give the shot to myself but will more likely have my dr. sister do it) and then go in on Monday morning for an IUI.

Here’s the rub: Monday is my mother’s cancer surgery. There is absolutely no excuse I could come up with to get out of going, after I said that I would. So it looks like I will have to tell her the truth, so she will understand why I am missing it.

The kicker is - If I O on Sunday, my pregnancy test at the RE will land on my birthday. Maybe it’ll be a very happy 29th!

Cycle #2, Ultrasound #4

Cycle #2 continues... I am on CD21, and had my 4th (yup, 4th) u/s this cycle this AM. Dr. Fast Talker (should I rename him Dr. Nice?) only found one 14mm folli again, so back on Thursday to see if the 150mg is doing anything for me. At this point, I am just ready to move onto injectibles. I hope Thursday will be the last Clomid u/s. Lets get this (injectable) party started.

In other news, I am gaining weight, but slowly. This works for me, I can't pack on 10 pounds in a week. I am sitting at about 132, a solid 10 lbs from the bottom. Ive gained about .5-1 lb per week, and thats what I am aiming to continue.

DH

Oh my goodness, I love my husband. That man is so wonderful. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

..........

Last night I had my friends T and C over for dinner at my apartment. I made salad, turkey lasagna, corn on the cob, and broccoli, and homemade brownies for dessert. I really like having people over for dinner, its really relaxing to be able to take your time eating and not feel like you're rushed, as you often can be at a restaurant. It was fun.

T is 9 months pregnant—she is due to give birth to a boy in about 2 or 3 weeks. She also has a 19 month old daughter, who she tried to conceive for a year and a half. In fact, T went to the same RE as me, and as it turns out, did 3 cycles of Clomid and 4 cycles of injectables before getting pregnant. I hadn’t told her yet about my infertility issues, but it felt good to talk to someone who had been through exactly what I am going through. C is not TTC yet, but I think we may have freaked her out a little bit… She may have gone home and asked her DH to move the baby timetable up!

This morning I had u/s #3 of Cycle #2. And alas, my fears have come true. The follicle is not growing—holding steady at 14-15mm. So next step is – 1) start on 150mg of Clomid tonight, 2) BMS over the weekend to cover my bases on the off chance I have a delayed ovulation, 3) go back for another u/s on Monday to check on the 15mm follicle. If nothing is going on at that u/s, just schedule the next u/s (probably next Sat, 9/19) to see if my body reacted to 150mg. That Saturday is the Jewish holidays though, so thats another issue I'll have to figure out...

It’s incredibly frustrating that my body responded to 50mg, but not to 100mg (at least not yet). When Dr. Fast Talker (who I am growing to adore) told me he didn’t see any growth, I felt relief at first… Sort of like, Well, the inevitable march to injectables is moving forward… It wasn’t until I left the RE’s office that I had to fight back tears. Luckily I held it together and didn’t collapse into a ball right there on 5th Avenue.

So, you guessed it. More waiting.

Oh and P.S., my insurance doesn’t cover IVF. FML.

Mmmmm alcohol...

Today’s u/s update: one 15mm follicle. I go back in on Thursday for my third u/s of this cycle. Hopefully by then it'll be 18mm or larger. Oh well, at least its only 2 more days of waiting. On the bright side, I’ll be able to drink at two events I have on Wednesday and Thursday this week. You’d think I was an alcoholic from all the discussion of drinking on this blog. Hah! Who knows, maybe infertility will turn me into one?

In other news, I am biting the bullet and calling my insurance company to see if they cover IVF. I have this idea in my head that I will only TTC for 1 year before going to IVF, and having that backup plan gives me a little peace of mind. I've put off calling because I didn't want to know if they didn't cover it, so here goes...

Quick update

Quick update... Had my CD 12 u/s this AM, this time with a nice female doctor who I had never met. I was really hoping that doubling the Clomid to 100mg would push my body to get going a little sooner. No such luck. Lining at 6mm, 1 folli at 13mm. Last cycle on CD12 I had 2 follis at 12 and 13, one of which became dominant. I go back again on Tuesday, when "we'll know if its growing or not." More waiting. Shocker.

In other news, I am increasingly concerned about my weight. From everything I read on the HA boards, I am still extremely underweight at 5'10" and 130 lbs. I am trying to listen to my body and eat when I am hungry (and eat more). I have drastically cut down on exercise, only doing 30-45 min of light weights and walking 3-4 times a week.

Part of the problem is DH-- as much as he would never say so, I think he really likes the way I look skinny. Heck, I do too! And he also is a believer in listening to the medical professional. Since my RE has told me that gaining weight is a moot point, he thinks that I should just eat what I want, be happy, and not stress myself out worrying about gaining.

This morning, I broke down crying to him. I think it was a combination of my expectation that I would have more going on at the u/s, as well as the fact that he would have to work the entire long weekend, after we thought he would have it off. I held it together very well all day today while entertaining friends, but then broke down to my sister again tonight when I went to drop something off at her house. Poor woman is juggling 4 kids and then has me holding back tears on her doorstep. I quickly ran out of there-- I'm the last thing she needs to take care of.

Frustration all around. Heres to hoping Tuesday treats me better.

Bad Buzz?

Nothing new to really report. Just waiting for my u/s on Saturday....

Last night, my aunt and uncle were in town, so my parents came into the city and we all went out for dinner. DH was working (of course) and couldn’t come, but it was fun nonetheless.

I was really looking forward to having a few drinks and relaxing. TTC is on my mind all the time, so it was nice to just have a nice buzz, enjoy some good food, and not think too much about anything.

I go back and forth on drinking while TTC. The honest truth is, I don’t drink very often (probably about once or twice a month) and I never drink during the 2ww or on the days I take Clomid. On top of that, the ob-gyn has told me I should live life normally (re: alcohol, caffeine) until I find out I am pregnant (hah! whenever that may be). On the other hand, should I be extra careful to give my body every edge? The guilt I am feeling is really ridiculous, according to every medical recommendation.

My mother did comment many times last night at dinner, “You’re drinking champagne. I guess you’re not pregnant.” Her incessant commenting and questions about pregnancy and when we are going to start trying could be put to rest if I just told her that I was seeing an RE. I can’t do it though. As bad as it is now, it would be worse if I told her… She would want to come to every u/s, would ask about every twinge and symptom, would debate every protocol, etc. It would be endless.

Anyway, I’m about to start a 4 day weekend, and the weather is slated to be divine. Everyone have a great Labor Day!