Waiting and baking

Today is CD7, last day of Clomid 100mg. After much back and forth on Thursday, I finally talked to the RE (instead of playing telephone with the nurse), and decided to go with his rec of 100mg. After the Clomid is complete, I start on Estrace 2x per day to help with my lining, and then Saturday go in for a sonogram to see what my body is doing. Things are chugging along.

The weekend was fantastic, maybe that’s why the Clomid feels like it went so quickly. Friday I had the day off from work, and spent it with my sister (who was also off) and her 4 boys – yup, count em, 4. It was tiring but great. They are sweet kids.

Then, by some sort of divine intervention, DH didn’t have to work this weekend! I was beyond thrilled. We had our own mini “staycation” in the city—slept a lot, ate a lot, saw a lot of movies, saw friends, and just enjoyed each other’s company. I even baked the Cookies and Cream cake from Annie’s Eats that I have been meaning to get around to (wow I figured out how to post pics):

Really painful to come back to work this morning, but at least Labor Day is around the corner! (And cake leftovers help also!)

Sucky RE

For the most part, I like my RE. Today though, the practice really pissed me off. Last week, when I started to get my period, I called the clinic. They said to stop Endometrin and come in for b/w the 3rd day of full flow.

This morning, I did just that, and I come back from lunch to a message from them. My pregnancy test was negative. Thank you, Captain Obvious. They didn’t test my LH and FSH, only my estrodial (41.8 – highest I’ve ever seen it, I think this is good) and progesterone (.2) because the nurse who told me to stop Endometrin never adjusted anything on my chart— they thought I was still coming in for a pregnancy test.

So now they have to go back and retest my blood for LH & FSH, get the results to Dr. Fast Talker, and get back to me with the game plan. I made sure the nurse passed along my concern about the very light period and thin lining. Stay tuned.

Social Butterfly

This week has been both mercifully quick and painfully slow. Mercifully quick from the perspective that I have been pretty social, and that always makes me forget what I like to call “the elephant in my brain,” i.e. TTC. Being out and about is good for me, since I could easily become a total shut-in after work if I don’t make plans for myself!

On Tuesday I had lunch with two friends who I used to work with. One of them, K, has a baby son who is 6 months old. I am really happy for her. It took her a long time to meet her husband, and I can’t imagine that was easy for her as her 5 siblings all married and had children as she felt perennially single. Babies and TTC were a major topic of conversation, as all 3 of us are either in the midst or about to be. Turns out that not only did K and husband conceive the first month, they only had sex once that month. Amazing. I am beyond jealous.

Then last night I had friends over for dinner, and I cooked! I’m really much more of a baker than a chef, but it came out really well. I found the hardest part was the timing of everything. I made chicken with this ridiculously delicious marinade I just discovered:

http://www.lawrys.com/Products/Marinades/Sesame-Ginger.aspx

I also made sushi rice and broccoli (sort of an Asian theme), as well as fresh corn from the Rockefeller Plaza farmers market (which was not so Asian but really yummy). Then brownies and ice cream with hot fudge for dessert. DH even made it home in time for dinner, although he did work until 3 in the morning from home after they left. At this point, I’ll take what I can get.

But the best part was, besides seeing DH during waking hours – I could drink! It’s been so long because first I was on Clomid, then antibiodics for my wisdom tooth, then I was in the 2ww. I’m really not a big drinker, but wow did it feel good to just have a little buzz!

I also ate too much (hey, I said the food was good) and felt guilty but then realized, “Wait, I’m supposed to be gaining weight! Its OK to eat too much.” That’s a real shift in thinking that I have to get used to. I’ve been better with the weight gain of late, hiding the scale has helped, as has the end of summer (no more bikinis). I’ve also been trying to eat according to “The Fertility Diet” guidelines, more on that in another post.

On the TTC front, I went to the RE’s office this morning for Day 3 b/w. They should get back to me today with the plan of attack for Cycle #2. I think it’ll be 50mg Clomid again. I am going to add in either Robitussin or Mucinex for CM, and I am also going to plan out our TI better. Last cycle I O’ed on 8/11, and we had TI on 8/8, 8/9, 8/10, and 8/11. This time around I’ll stick to the day of O and the one before and after.

I have decided that after this cycle, I am going to get my tubes checked, as well as DH’s little men. I just want to make sure everything is working right, instead of going through 6 cycles of heartbreak and then finding out down the line.

Priceless

HPT test #2: negative

Period: back again

Temperature: dropping like a bat out of hell

The clinic telling you that you can start a new cycle: priceless

Straws, anyone?

... They're lovely for grasping at.

Attempted explanation of last night's spotting, which has now since disappeared:

Implantation bleeding or spotting: a slight staining of a pink or brown color on average 8-10 days after ovulation.

Facts:
1) It was pink/brown.
2) It was 10.5DPO (close enough?)

Whats that thing Albert Einstein said about insanity? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Tomorrow morning, I take another HPT. One wonders if Albert was inspired by Mileva's compulsion to POAS.

Cycle #2 here I come

Broke down and tested this afternoon, 11 DPO, got a BFN. Then had blood on the TP tonight. Hello, AF, havent seen you since April. So this cycle, barring some sort of miracle, is out for me. Now I am just frustrated that I have to wait for a blood test Wednesday before I can go off the progesterone and start all over again.

POAS

DH thought that he would not have to work this weekend. I had planned a rain-filled schedule of sleeping in, pancakes for breakfast, seeing a movie, going food shopping, lazing around. Alas, the cursed work blackberry calls him into the office, and suddenly its "Bye hon, hopefully see you for dinner." I curse you, Wall Street, I curse you.

Well, if there is one thing I'm good at, its entertaining myself. I just got back from the 11:15 AM showing of Time Traveler's Wife -- matinee price of $6, woo hoo. I adored the book and I adored the movie, even more than I thought I would.

On the way back I stopped to buy a digital pregnancy test. $17 later, I now am the proud owner of 2 chances to pee on a stick. POAS. Clever. Us infertiles are very clever!

The box is sitting underneath my bathroom sink, calling out to me. I generally have no willpower whatsoever, but I can't face a false result. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to let go of hope for this cycle. Wish me luck holding out until Monday...

Breakdown

I had a breakdown last night. A major one. About TTC, not so much. More about the weight gain.

I am officially 10 lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I am now at 131.5 (yes, that half-pound counts), and at my lowest I was at 121.5. I am 5’10”, so do the math, and yes, I know, my lowest weight was extremely unhealthy. Even now, I am right at the bottom of the healthy weight range for my height.

So here’s a little background. I grew up riding horses, so throughout my childhood and into high school, I never really thought about my body image. I ate a lot, rode a lot (which was fantastic exercise), and never thought too much beyond that. I was strong and healthy and normal. I don’t think I even had a scale!

Then came college. I was no longer riding, yet I was eating like I was. The freshman 15 (lets be honest, the freshman 25) came fast and furious. Weight Watchers the summer after my freshman year helped take it off, but then it all came back again once I returned to school. There was a lot of beer, late night pizza, and not a lot of organic exercise (West Philly doesn’t really lend itself to biking, hiking, etc).

DH and I started dating in September 2002, a few months after I graduated from school. I was about a size 8, so not at the top of the range (I was a size 12 at one point), nor at the bottom. I look back now and I am so thankful that we fell in love then. I know that he loved me for me, regardless of my weight. There is so much comfort in that.

I have been with the same company since I graduated from school, and my job entails a LOT of client lunches. I am constantly entertaining with an unlimited budget at the nicest places. For someone who loves food as I do, it was trouble right from the get go.

I still remember the exact moment when I decided to eat better. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, it was a watershed moment. It was August 2004, and I was scheduled to go to a client lunch at Michael Jordan’s steakhouse here in New York. I thought to myself, “You know, you could order something healthy, and then not eat the entire portion.” I did just that, and I felt so healthy and proud of myself. I no longer returned to the office doubled over because I was so full.

I slowly lost weight over the next year, and I was loving the compliments that were pouring in. In December 2004, DH and I got engaged, and the wedding provided me with renewed focus. On our wedding day, I was 129 lbs. In the years after the wedding, I got down to 121 lbs. I do want to have caveat my weight loss by saying that I really feel like I did it in a healthy way. Fewer carbs, smaller portions, more exercise -- there was no starvation involved.

So now, here I am, trying to have a baby. I am so slim I no longer menstruate on my own. I must gain this weight for my health, for my future baby’s health. I can always lose it again down the line. These are things I try to remember. But as the clothes get tight, you think to yourself, “What if I can’t stop the weight gain? What if I just keep gaining and gaining until I’m HUGE???”

I hadn’t been on the scale in a while, and last night I weighed myself. The number threw me into a tailspin. I just wasn’t expecting it to be that high that fast. A lot of my emotion probably stemmed from the fact that I was exhausted.

Poor DH. He gets home early from work at 10 PM (yes, this is early, sadly enough). He is thrilled to be home before I am asleep, so we can see each other. And all I can bitch about is how fat I look. He told me last night that he feels “powerless.” As much as I hate myself for complaining about something that really isn’t a problem – (I mean, come on, how many women who are 5’10” would kill to be 131 lbs?), I find that I can’t stop, and then I feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle.

Well, here’s to hoping this cycle results in a BFP. Then I will gain the weight with gusto!

Could I be making this up?

Update: Still mild nausea, possibly psychosomatic. Still no breast tenderess. I really need to stop squeezing my boobs.

Update on all fronts

Front #1: Mom. She has a consultation with her surgeon this afternoon in the city, so I am hopefully meeting her for dinner afterwards, if the timing works out. She will not require chemo, but after her surgery she will have to drink this radioactive iodine solution that kills any last cancer cells they may have missed. My cousin, who is pregnant, tells me that you cannot be near someone for 11 days after they have consumed this solution. So, hopefully if I am pregnant at the end of this 2ww, I may be telling my parents the news sooner than expected.

Front #2: 2ww. All of yesterday and today, I continued to feel a very mild nausea. Not bad—the kind of nausea that you forget about if you get distracted. It could quite possibly be all in my head. It will be interesting to see if I am not pregnant and it was all psychosomatic. No boob soreness or any other symptoms though.

Front #3: Work. I have a client meeting today that I have been nervous about for a week. I will feel very relieved when its over. Next Tuesday morning I have my annual “catch up” breakfast with my SVP. I plan to test Monday morning, so I have a feeling I will be distracted either way.

Anyway, its Wednesday, so happy hump day! The weekend is almost here.

I'm a glutton for punishment

I am organizing a baby shower for a work colleague as we speak. These things always seem to fall on me, maybe its because I am so Type A, and the only one who pays attention to all of the details (HA, perhaps?). Anyway, its been scheduled for next Wednesday at 4 PM. When do I get my pregnancy blood test results back? Probably a few hours before then. I anticipate they'll be negative (sorry to be a Debbie Downer). I'll try not to have a breakdown over the Ben & Jerry's ice cream cake.

On the mom front, its still all so surreal. I woke up a few times last night and thought to myself, My mother has cancer. My mother has cancer. I still can't believe it.

Perspective

I just found out that my mom has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Did some googling when I was done crying-- its highly curable, 95% survival rate, so thats good. Sort of puts infertility in perspective.

Maybe I am pregnant-- isn't a good thing supposed to go hand in hand with a bad? I know it would make her world for me to have a baby. Now my fingers are extra crossed, both for her and for me.

Now that I'm paying attention

Also, had a *complete* epiphany this weekend. DH's cousin's wife, I, had twins last year. Never thought anything of it until I was diagnosed with HA and started to go through this process. She is an inch taller than me and must be just as skinny, lets say 5'11" and 125 lbs. Really looks like a model, but maybe thats my twisted HA body image lens speaking. Anyway, its very likely that she had HA because of her low body weight, and used fertility drugs to end up with twins. You never would think of these things until you're steeped in it!

Adventures with Progesterone

Sorry its been so long since the last post, the weekend was just too beautiful to spend any time indoors!

Friday morning I had my 3DPO b/w, and my progesterone came back at a 6.4. The nurse called as I was merging onto the Major Deegan Expressway, but luckily there were no accidents and I registered everything she told me! She said they like to see 10-14 at this stage but it could have been still rising. As a precaution, the RE prescribed progesterone supplements.

Getting the progesterone was a whole different endeavor. It needed to be pre-authorized with my insurance (of course) but I was supposed to start taking it that night and pre-authorization would take several days. So I paid out of pocket (not terrible, $150, but this supply won't even last me the whole 2ww!) I am dreading dealing with insurance to get the refill and submitting the forms to get reimbursed. When it comes to drugs that require pre-authorization, CVS Caremark is *terrible.* Getting my Ovidrel two weeks ago was an exhausting and long process. Argh.

Anyway, I get the progesterone, but now comes the thorny issue of making sure my parents dont see it (I am staying at their house for the weekend). More on my parents and TTC later, maybe in a different post.

It really seems like such a wierd process to insert what looks like an oversize pill vaginally! The most annoying part of it by far is that I have to lay down for an hour after I insert it in the morning (at night I just take it right before bed) to avoid leakage. TMI, perhaps, but this is an infertility blog, so I'm guessing many of you have or will deal with these minor roadbumps ; )

And my body, just as I had suspected, has had no reaction to the progesterone. No side effects whatsoever. I suppose this is a good thing, since if I ever do feel pregnancy symptoms, I'll know its not just the progesterone! Its so sick but I keep feeling my boobs and hoping that they are tender. Come on, symptoms, come on!! I'm waiting for you!!

Kome on!!

Yesterday a client told me she was pregnant, and I was shocked. Why? It was an unexpected announcement for me, as she is engaged, but the engagement only took place after the pregnancy, which was an accident, of course. Today, Kourtney Kardashian announces her pregnancy. Again, accident. I think her line was "Sometimes I forgot to take the pill." And I haven't seen "Keeping up with the Kardashians," but from my US Weekly subscription, I'm pretty sure she is not ready to be a mom. Top it off with the rotating facebook pregnancy announcements and baby pictures, and its starting to sting. And I know I have just begun this process, and it will sting even more if we are TTC 2 years from now, but still.

DH and I got married very young-- I was just barely 25, and he was 26. As friends around me started to have children, I took it as a point of pride that we were waiting. DH had to finish business school, and I needed more time to get my head around the idea. Now that we are ready, both emotionally and financially, its no longer a point of pride. Kind of a point of sadness.

And so it begins

Alas, the 2ww has begun. Today was 1DPO. Tomorrow is 2DPO. And so on and so forth.

Life is so mundane, so exactly the same, and yet every once in a while I stop and think to myself, "Fertilization could be happening RIGHT NOW!" My body feels exactly the same. Not that I am supposed to feel anything in particular, but I never had side effects from progesterone, or from Clomid, or from any drug ever for that matter. Some women feel "twinges" from their ovaries when they are ovulating, and I am immensely jealous. My body always feel the same, it never gives me any signal that its doing anything one way or the other.

Although I'm not optimistic (today, anyway) about my chances for a BFP this cycle, I am trying to treat my body as if I were pregnant, just in case. I took clients out for a sushi lunch today, and abstained from raw fish. I emailed a colleague to see if she wanted to donate blood together, then vaguely remembered something about pregnant women not being able to donate blood. I google it and alas, my hazy memories are correct. I've been trying to cut back on soda too, but damn is diet coke delicious.

So for now, I try to eat well, live well, and wait.

Amazon

Just bought a basal thermometer and "The Fertility Diet" on Amazon. As much as I would like to hope I could get a BFP from my first cycle, I have to be a realist. That realist will commence recording her BBT daily, and educating herself about the best way to eat for TTC. If a BFP does result from this cycle, it would be the best $20 I ever wasted.

How could it *not* work?

BMS'ed last night in anticipation of today's O! DH has normal hours this week-- he is studying for the Series 63 exam, so the hours are late, but at least he can study at home. Last week's BMSing took place at close to midnight and featured two exhausted participants, so this week has been a marked improvement ; ) So by the time this process is over, we will have BMS'ed Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, and possibly Wed morning as well. (Sidenote: DH thinks me laying in bed with my legs up is hysterical, but I really do think it helps!)

I know there is a big debate over BMSing every day or every other day. I always thought I would be of the "every other day" school of thought, but now that the real opportunity is upon me, I want to bombard that poor little egg, and so now I belong to the "every day" school of thought.

I have read some posts in the past were the women bemoaned, "How could this *not*work??" Now, I can't help but agree. With the help of my RE, I have pinpointed the exact moment of ovulation, and I am attacking the poor egg with sperm for several days straight. How could I get a BFN from this??

I feel hope creaping up, and it takes all of my willpower to quash the poor thing where it stands. I know in my head that the odds are stacked against me-- the likelihood of pregnancy each cycle is only 20%. I don't want to make the moment when I get AF any more crushing than it already will be...

Bake!!

So I know a lot of the ladies on the HA board like to bake (as do I), so I thought I would post a few of my favorite recipes. I can't really take credit for them... The cookies are Alexis Stewart (Martha's daughter), the cake is Nestle (by way of my MIL), and the brownies are from an aquaintance (but seriously the best brownies you'll EVER have).

Enjoy!

Recipe #1: Brown sugar chocolate chip cookies (be sure to cut the recipe in half, it makes a *ton* of cookies):
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611e3bf410b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=80601a55b890f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD&autonomy_kw=alexis%20stewart%20brown%20sugar%20chocolate%20chip&rsc=ns2006_m1

Recipe #2: TOLL HOUSE Chocolate Chip Cake (Mini-Morsels Cake) -- (looks complicated, really isn't... my DH insists I make this for him every anniversary and birthday, but not all the time b/c it has soooooo much butter):

CAKE
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
2/3 cup sugar
4 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
½ teaspoon salt
2 cups all-purpose flour
One 12-oz package (2 cups) NESTLE TOLL HOUSE LITTLE BITS (Mini Morsels) semi-sweet chocolate, divided. (You may need more – I usually double the frosting recipe)

FROSTING
1 cup NESTLE TOLL HOUSE LITTLE BITS (Mini Morsels) semi-sweet chocolate, reserved from 12-oz package.
¾ cup butter, softened
1 ½ cup sifted confectioners sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla
[Note: Recipe can be doubled with no adjustments in proportions]

Cake
1 Preheat oven to 350◦ F.
2 Grease 15 ½ X 10 X 1 inch baking pan (deep cookie sheet).
3 Line pan with waxed paper; set aside.
4 In large bowl, combine butter, brown sugar and sugar. Beat until creamy and changes to a lighter, fluffier color and consistency.
5 Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
6 Add vanilla extract and salt; mix well.
7 Gradually add flour (a couple of tablespoons at a time).
8 Stir in 1 cup NESTLE TOLL HOUSE LITTLE BITS (Mini Morsels).
9 Spread batter into prepared pan.
10 Bake 20 – 30 minutes.
11 Cool
12 Loosen sides of cake. Invert onto lightly floured cloth.
13 Peel off waxed paper; trim.
14 Cut cake crosswise into four 3-3/4 X 10 inch sections.
15 Spread 3 lightly rounded tablespoons frosting on one cake layer. Top with second cake layer. Frost, repeat with other layers.
16 Frost entire cake with remaining Frosting.

Frosting
1 Melt over hot (not boiling) water (or melt in microwave), 1 cup NESTLE TOLL HOUSE LITTLE BITS (Mini Morsels); stir until smooth. Set aside
2 In small bowl, combine butter and confectioners sugar; beat until creamy.
3 Add melted chocolate and vanilla extract; blend until smooth.Makes one cake (You should make double frosting to have plenty, leftover frosting is also great with graham crackers!)

Recipe #3: Brownies
Line a 10 x 15 Pyrex with aluminum foil.Preheat oven to 350.
Melt:20 T (2 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter14 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
In mixing bowl, combine: 2 cups white sugar, 2/3 cup brown sugar, 6 extra large eggs
Add melted butter/chocolate mixture and beat til combined.
Add:2 T vanilla, 1 1/4 cups flour, 3 T cocoa powder, 1/2 t salt.
Beat just til combined.
Pour into foil-lined pan, bake 35-40 minutes or until done; don't let the edges get dried out.
THE SECRET: Put pan into refrigerator for at least 3 hours. THEN remove foil (with baked brownies atop it), place on large cutting board and cut. These are best kept refrigerated or even frozen.

Big city, small city

Wow, so much to catch up on. Don't know if you've noticed a pattern here, but I tend to blog more when DH is working crazy hours. This weekend he was off from work (very unusual, probably won't happen again for a while!) so I didn't do any updates.

Anyway, DH and I made up and had a lovely weekend together at my parents' house in suburbia. Yesterday we had a lazy rainy day-- went out to breakfast with my father, saw "Funny People" (funny, but looong, you can wait for DVD), did a suburban food shop, and headed back to the city for the rest of the day. My sister (who has 4 kids) expressed her jealousy at our ability to see a movie in the middle of day, so I guess there are some advantages to my situation. I have to remember that.

So the update is-- I had one 25mm folli this AM, and got to trigger! Dr. Fast Talker (my primary RE) did my u/s this AM, and was genuinely suprised and pleased that I responded to the Clomid. He was smiling as he said, "This is great, this will be your first ovulation in a very long time!" And he didn't even talk that fast!

I was petrified that the Ovidrel shot would be painful, but thankfully, I barely felt it. I'm such a scaredy cat. So fingers crossed and lots of BMS. I go back on Friday for bloodwork to see if I had a "good" ovulation, based on my progesterone.

Here's the "small city" part of the story. I was on the platform waiting for the subway and noticed this very tall blond girl in a bright yellow skirt standing next to me. We got onto the same subway car and stood next to each other, and then began walking the same direction when we got off the subway. Next thing I know, we are riding the elevator together to the RE's office. Turns out she is a nurse at the practice. Even better, she is the one to administer the Ovidrel (in the bathroom, no less, as there were no rooms available). I think I said to her something like, "Yeah, who knew that I would be lifting up my skirt in a bathroom for a girl I rode the subway with?"

Life is good

I drove to my parents house in surburbia this morning. The weather is gorgeous, the windows were down, and the music was loud. And my 16mm folli may be ready to trigger on Monday. Life is good.

Monica v. 2.0

You remember that episode of "Friends" where Monica is mad at Chandler, but waits until after they have BMS to really yell at him? Thats sort of how I feel tonight.

DH has been working on a huge project all week, and he has a work dinner tonight to celebrate the end of it. Then there are (non-work sponsored) drinks after dinner, which, to be fair, I was invited to attend. But once I'm home and in my jammies, theres no getting me out again at 9 pm. He doesnt mind that I don't want to go, but says that he won't be home from the party until after I am asleep.

I have not seen him all week, because he gets home from work so late and leaves so early. I wish he would just put in his obligatory appearance at the drinks and come home to spend time with me. Not to mention he has gotten about 10 hours sleep total over the past 3 days. And he will be too exhausted to come with me to the u/s in the morning.

That said, I do see his side, and as I type this, I feel a little selfish. The god's honest truth is that I don't mind going to the u/s by myself. And we will be spending the whole weekend together (which I know, if I bring it up, would be his first response). And this is a big work celebration, and its nice for him to cut loose after a really hard week. Its also an opportunity to network, something that proves valuable in this economy. And lastly, he probably really likes the social aspect. Over the past two years in business school, he lost out on having close guy friends to spend more time with me.

Still, I may just hold out on my concerns until post BMS ; ) Have any of you ladies waited to air your issues to take advantage of an O?

Thankful again

I went to dinner last night in the West Village with K (who shares my name actually). She is one of my best friends from college. You should have seen me with my foldout Streetwise. I live on the Upper East Side, and I like to kid that I don't go south of the numbered streets. Needless to say, armed with the Streetwise and after a few wrong turns (W. 4th runs which way?) I found the restaurant -- www.westvillenyc.com

Sidenote: its funny to me how my ordering mentality has changed now that I am trying to gain weight. I looked at the menu online before leaving for dinner. In the "before" HA days, I would have had the turkey burger, no bun, and only eaten half the fries. Last night I realized, oh my goodness, I could order a grilled cheese with fries! Once there, I chose something in between, because it was what I wanted-- fried chicken over a salad, it was really yummy.

After dinner, we took a walk and got gelato for dessert -- http://www.grom.it/eng/index.php. We sat outside for a long time and talked, mostly about my efforts TTC, and her efforts to find a DH. She is in a tough place in her life right now. Unemployed (although she is fine financially due to some past big bonuses and smart savings, thank goodness) and coming off of a string of bad first dates, I struggled for the words to make her feel better. As someone who is happily married (she has known my DH as long as I have), there is nothing I can say to make it all better, and I know it must be hard for her to be staring at 30 a few months away and have no "prospects" in sight. It really hit home when she said to me, "You know who I am jealous of? People who have had years to spend with the person they love before they even have to think about having kids." (i.e. me?)

When I got home, I wrote her an email telling her why she was wonderful and how she would meet someone perfect for her. She is not close with her parents and I don't think she has anyone in her life to tell her that she is smart (2 Ivy league degrees, I mean come on), beautiful, kind, and sweet. It makes me sad to have such a great friend who is so lonely.

So again, I thank my lucky stars again. Two days ago, it was for insurance ; ) Today, its for the kismet that I found my DH so young. May K get her kismet soon.

Factories have their pros and cons

So I started to sit down and count it out, and I think the nurse told me the wrong date to come in for my first sonogram. I started Clomid on Monday, 7/27, without a bleed, so I am assuming that is CD1. She told me to come in for a sono on Wednesday, 8/5, which is CD10. I think the confusion was that originally I was supposed to start the Clomid on Saturday 7/25, but I couldn't get the prescription right away, so I told her I would start two days later, but she never adjusted the date of the sonogram, which I'm pretty sure they want you to do on CD12. Oh well. I'm going back on Saturday which will be CD13. I don't mind the extra time, its more of a cost annoyance, but hopefully with insurance it wont be more than a $50 or $100 mistake.

The RE practice that I go to is like a factory in every way. There are 4 or 5 big RE practices in NYC, and everyone I've spoken to refers to all of them as factories. It has its advantages-- monitoring available 7 days a week, blood test results same day, open every day but Xmas, always a dr. on call.

What I'm realizing is that I have to be an advocate for myself. Ask questions, confirm everything, etc. Who cares if they think I'm an annoyance!

Not missing the gym!

Before my HA diagnosis, I was of the mind that only Olympic gymnasts and marathoners stopped getting their period. So it came as such a shock to me that my exercising was possibly interfering with my cycles. I really don't feel like I exercise a lot-- 30 minutes of moderate weight lifting twice a week, and 45 minute walks, not even runs, three times a week. Also, making it to the gym is not a "must" for me. I try to go at lunch, but if I have plans, I would never wake up early to work out, or go after work. Not to toot my own horn (toot toot!) but I think I have a pretty healthy attitude about exercising.

Because of my tooth surgery and other engagements, I haven't been to the gym in a week. And you know what, I don't miss it. I think a large part of it is knowing that I don't have to stay slim, and in fact I should gain another 5-10 lbs. It feels good not to care, I gotta say.

Realizing I am lucky

I went in for my sonogram this AM, I've never been so excited for a dr's appt in my whole life! The practice's monitoring hours are 7-8:30 AM, so I woke up when my husband did, at 6:30 AM. Ouch, painful, I was out late last night for a work dinner. Much to my surprise, there was no wait at the RE's office, they took me right away.

Dr. S (could stand for his real name, but could also stand for Dr. Squat, as he was as round as he was tall) did my sonogram, which showed 2 follis in the right ovary, both measuring 13mm. So I will take this as a good sign that the Clomid or my body did something, as there is a whole new follicle since my last sonogram! I am due to go back on Saturday for another sonogram. More waiting.

As I paid for the sonogram, ($275 for 4 minutes of his time, seriously?), I realized that I am extremely lucky. I am lucky that I have a job, that my job has good insurance, and that my DH and I will be able to afford whatever treatments my situation requires. I will continue to try to look at the bright side of things.

I'm really overthinking this

I have felt so pukey and nauseated the past couple days, and the most likely cause is the post-surgery meds from my tooth extraction. I had no side effects from the Clomid, so its unlikely that I am feeling sick now from it, almost 5 days after my last pill.

I can't help but do the math. The RE saw a 12mm folli at my u/s on Friday 7/24, and we only had sex last week on Saturday, 7/25. If the folli grew 2mm per day, that would mean the earliest it would be full size would be Tuesday 7/28 at the earliest. So the sperm would have to have lived quite a few days by the time the egg grew and was released, which it probably never did anyway with my hormone levels.

Yeah, definitely impossible. I'm definitely overthinking this. I'm off to google side effects of amoxicillin.

Missing DH

I am really missing my husband tonight, he works 100+ hour weeks at his finance job. I try to stay busy and make a lot of plans after work to keep myself entertained. Tonight, I was supposed to have dinner with my best friend and her 1 year old son, but they are both sick and she had to cancel.

My husband and I both knew what we were getting into when he took this job. We are trying to look at it as short term pain for long term gain. He was really specific about not wanting to have a baby until he was done with his first year at this new job. If I got pregnant tomorrow, he would be in the job over a year by the time the baby was born, so that works according to our grand plan, but there was one thing I never took into account- that it would be so hard to get pregnant!

Between hope and a hard place

Had BMS last night, although very carefully, because my face is still sore from getting my tooth pulled. Plan to have more BMS tonight or tomorrow night in anticipation of Wednesday's u/s, where I will hopefully find out that the Clomid worked, and I will be able to trigger.

I am really doubting that it worked though. I allow myself to get my hopes up, and then I try to bring myself back down to Earth, and then my hopes go up again. Time seems to be moving so slowly, but less than 48 hours until I can either trigger, or move on to the next step...